choice

It all comes down to choice doesn't.  I either choose to or i choose not to, & ignoring it counts as well.  Sometimes i think i never really learn a lesson; hardheaded i guess.  Don't bottle shit up and put a cork on it! Gee-Whiz i've been here.  But it's what i do, i am a turtle.  ( the good news i know i win the race!!) I called someone the other day just to say hello and to hear her voice.  I needed to.  I missed them. It's been over 6 months since the last "hi how are you?"  From either one of us. Today i was nearby by and came with in a mile of stopped for a hug. KLove was on the radio talking about the stuff we go through & how God sees us through it all; how that in the end we are so much better for the journey.  It hit me like air escaping a balloon.  I can't say that.  I am through it, i think.  I am in a better place, but i am still bitter how i got here. If i could go back, sadly, i know i probably would.  I have never really gotten over the anger of being laid off.  For lots of reasons, i would have never left unless the economy hadn't crashed.  I was in the wrong department, but it is what i went back to school for. (paid a student loan for.)  I went there chasing a ghost, and while i realize i  would never find her, i was  happy. I was content.  I had friends.  I thought i was safe.  I saw myself (eventually maybe a different department) there in 20 years.  I had benefits.  I was real good at my job and was for the first time, part of a team. I was dependable and responsible.  I complained about some stuff, but honestly we all did, it's high stress and drama at a hospital.  Granted my health and pay are better now...but i just still haven't let go of the why-me aspect.  Part of me feels like i lost a family, maybe i just never let myself grieve that and say goodbye to it. I guess Kindergarten is wonderful and we would all love to go back some days but we can't, can we. I wonder if i am hindering my own growth and fostering my future melt down if i can't let 2010 go. The melt down is coming anyway but it would be nice to grow a bit from all this.  I do believe that while not all things are for a specific/divine reason, or even happened on purpose, if we allow it, good can come from it.  the trick is to stop and look for the good and work with ebb and flow of life instead of fighting it.  I think i have been so bitter & sore on this job subject that deep down below the surface, i haven't really looked at the good and saw if for was it can be.  I need to choose.  Ignoring this is choosing to embrace bitterness.  Letting go of something you loved is never easy. Kinda of like having a bad boyfriend, he may not be the best choice, but you still love him. Time to let myself stretch and grow.  I need to choose to let the past go away like echos down the hall.  (Kinda like we used to ignore that ghost on 3rds that messed with the elevators. )