As I sit
here among the echoes of an empty house with Maggie Cat, I remember the newness
of our home. The plush green forest of
carpet that felt so good on bare feet. That perfect green corduroy couch. So wide
and deep, it was proportioned just right for stealing naps together. Ah the mistakes,
too. Not putting “front” steps at the back door, comes to mind right off. Young
children, a younger dog, new carpet and southern red clay do NOT mix! I
remember long grocery lists after pouring over named cookbooks that were
scattered everywhere. The sharing of the kitchen and family dinners that
followed. The sheer newness of this
place. The Sorrow just before we moved
in. The empty hole I felt in here without her stubby wiggly butt. And I wasn't the only one, I remember, trips to
the store where you tried to buy 2 of things in the meat dept for them. Only it
wasn’t a “them” anymore, just our Ginger Baby. There is so
much echoing through here.
Oh
heavens, my mind is so much wiser now as I look around this empty shell with its
damaged, rotting walls. It started in the kids’ bathroom. Water. Young and naive
about what to do about it; about what real damage it could cause. Other maintenances slipped through our
fingers. Some knowledge is only learned firsthand and generally after a mistake
or two but other things slipped because of finances. We know better about such things now. I want
a 2nd chance, someday. I want to learn more. What to do, what not to
do, when to do this thing or that thing. This home is damaged and probably far
beyond repair; but some tiny part of me wishes I could strip it down. Rebuild walls, fix guttering, repair bad
plumbing, and better more stable this or that.
Why when it is such a piece of crap? Well it’s our piece of crap. It’s our
sweat, tears, our echoes in the halls. This nick here is a memory. There are stories behind dings and dents. This
place sheltered us from life’s storms. It saw ugly fights, breathless laughter;
our children were largely raised here.
Then again, in some respects, so was I. Critters and friends of all kinds
have been loved on here. Doors slammed, windows broke, and all manner of
yelling matches. Peace, kindness and
silliness of the highest order also ran riot through here. This is the place
where I slowly learned to feel at home for the first time since we moved to
TN.
Memories
are in your soul. Pictures can help unlock some that you've tucked away. So
this is what I’ll have to hold on to, pictures and memories. I am in a different phase of life, a new
chapter of growth. So I’m alright letting go because eventually we will settle
back down. We will create a new home with new memories yet to be discovered. A
place to apply all these lessons learned. A place to discover there is so much
more to learn! A place to dream about, plot, and plan.
Hope
This
time is just a bridge. The time in between. This is when Daddy prunes me off
and trims me back, so I can be ready to grow beautifully again. This upcoming
time of uncertainty is alright. I have to learn that change is a good thing. I may deal
with change better than the boys in our home but not by much! I need to embrace
this time like sky diving. My chute is well packed. I’ll land safely, no doubt.
So the real choice is do I scream and kick all the way down or enjoy the view? Enjoy the beauty around me and the adrenaline
rush of the ride or panic and be swallowed in fear?
Hope
I know I
don’t have the strength to handle any of this.
And that’s the good part, I don’t have to! As I sit in the empty shell, an afternoon thunder shower is passing by.
I am sitting here comforting Maggie Cat because she doesn’t like the
strong wind. She hasn’t got anything to
go hide under anymore. I don’t have to hide
anymore either. This insane fear of letting go and not being strong enough is gone. I
more fully understand that I don’t have to panic about when, or where, or how
this will all work out. I don’t have to
have things “fixed”. I simply do not have to be strong enough. He is my strength.
I have Faith which is why I can Hope. Hope for our new home, our future &
our dreams. And because of that Faith, I can more fully lean in. I have read so
many times and places in the Bible where He is my rock. I’ve rested in Daddy
but until now I did not really learn how to let Him be my full strength. This
is where I am now in the throes of this learning bridge. Daddy loves me enough
to teach me this valuable lesson in life so I will be able to grow more
beautifully inside. Some time, somewhere we will be where we are meant to be
inside our souls and accordingly also in the physical. We will be replanted
where we can settle our roots and our things.
Hope
It’s
our safety harness to hold on to. This
time on the bridge, it’s okay. It deserves photos taken, memories made,
laughter and tears shed, adventures had and yes, maybe even a door slammed or
two; because after all pruning will hurt, but we will be much better for it.
