Summer Veg Out!

it's been awhile since i posted anything, but that's more to do with life moving than nothing to blog about. I am starting a fun short journey, so i thought about starting a journal for it. I think blogging here where i open up occasionally is a better choice.

  So what am i up to?

For June, July & August i am vegging out. No not relaxing, although that would be preferred. i am going vegetarian. i am doing this for the let's just see reason mostly, and health reasons, too. I will say , however, if the Cubs look like they are headed for pennant at the end of August, i may never touch meat again. one can't be too careful. i could do that for them.

 I am not jumping into deep waters with this. I plan to include dairy, eggs and maybe fish. For me, fish options have always been limited but maybe a Lenten like Friday Fish day once in awhile.  i am not sure how well i will do.  most meat, especially red meat will be easy to pass over. Meat candy (aka bacon) will be sorely missed but i'm ok. i am fairly certain, though, when Eddie gets some yummy things from the international grocery store i am in real danger. if he starts cooking with that German knockwurst or bratwurst, i will fall like a pagan in front a golden idol. somethings are just beyond will power.

This little blog will not turn into the instagram facebook picture of every meal thing. promise. Instead, i want to post highs, new discoveries, falls on my face, and if this journey is something i would like to continue. I have a health site i belong to that will help me monitor not just weight loss (or lack of) but inches lost . I have been trying to lose weight for a very long time.  i have refused to diet for a long time now, too. It is a math equation. Less in plus quality in vs. activity out. Despite any book ever printed, it is that and always always has been. i've lost 32 in the last couple of years and have come to a plateau. In that time i have also struggled with of very stressful private journey/hell.  i am in a much better, much happier place personally since this time last year. Frankly, this time last year compared to now miraculous. i feel like i shed an old skin with not just myself, but also in the wonderful relationship with the love of my life, by walking through fire and making it out intact. While that journey is continuing to heal and evolve, this one with overlap. I think part of the reason behind the summer veg out is to kick start my metabolism and shed some of physical to go along with the inner Melissa.

 i am finally growing up. i think, for me anyway, growing up is gradual lifetime process. Last year when life burst into flames. i had to face some personal demons of my own. i had to take the responsibility for a lot of those flames. I am stronger now. i am, hopefully, more mature about somethings. i still refuse to "grow up" or put away rose covered glasses, but that is a choice i make with eyes wide open. This SVO is kinda like a Lentenish fast. In my teens and very early twenties i was nearly a vegetarian. if Ed wasn't around, i didn't cook or eat meat. i didn't even know how to cook red meat, other than hamburger, when we got married.  I am trying to find Melissa again.  Part of me in the last 2 decade got lost. i guess this is my half brained way of driving a Delorian to look for her.  I can't really do that this way, i know, but still...

Anyway, there to the summer! bring on the zucchini! Go Cubs!

Math Problems

I have shattered at least twice in the last year.
I am still broken.
"Decide how you want to live. Then just do it. Make it happen"
Life is stalled out, but I am beginning to see this might be possible.
Maybe, someday. 

The problem is math.
Math is always a problem for me anyway.
So I want X and V.   Ed wants X and C.
Now with some creative art work we could make C into a V.
Or the other way around....or
We could compromise for G.
Point is, algebra stinks.
We want, and have, our own vision of the next 40 odd years.
But I don't think...other than each other in it, that they look the same.
What kind of math do I need here?

I can't breathe if I stay broken.
I can't fully function without you

The thing is Life, or our Choices, either way
Didn't give us a firm starting ground.
I want, no I need, the chance to see if we can make it
Alone together
We need, someday, somehow, the chance to see if we can do this
Without distractions....other than critters
We didn't get that. 

Maybe if we heal and become strong again.
Figure who we are inside
Strengthen our faith and our walk with our Lord
Stop fighting depression and vicious cycles of bad emotional habits.
Relearn each other as well as ourselves,
Then…
We can also learn to better math or just creatively make things work out right.

Hope

As I sit here among the echoes of an empty house with Maggie Cat, I remember the newness of our home.  The plush green forest of carpet that felt so good on bare feet. That perfect green corduroy couch. So wide and deep, it was proportioned just right for stealing naps together. Ah the mistakes, too. Not putting “front” steps at the back door, comes to mind right off. Young children, a younger dog, new carpet and southern red clay do NOT mix! I remember long grocery lists after pouring over named cookbooks that were scattered everywhere. The sharing of the kitchen and family dinners that followed.  The sheer newness of this place.  The Sorrow just before we moved in. The empty hole I felt in here without her stubby wiggly butt.  And I wasn't the only one, I remember, trips to the store where you tried to buy 2 of things in the meat dept for them. Only it wasn’t a “them” anymore, just our Ginger Baby.  There is so much echoing through here.

Oh heavens, my mind is so much wiser now as I look around this empty shell with its damaged, rotting walls. It started in the kids’ bathroom. Water. Young and naive about what to do about it; about what real damage it could cause.  Other maintenances slipped through our fingers. Some knowledge is only learned firsthand and generally after a mistake or two but other things slipped because of finances.  We know better about such things now. I want a 2^nd chance, someday. I want to learn more. What to do, what not to do, when to do this thing or that thing. This home is damaged and probably far beyond repair; but some tiny part of me wishes I could strip it down.  Rebuild walls, fix guttering, repair bad plumbing, and better more stable this or that.  Why when it is such a piece of crap? Well it’s our piece of crap. It’s our sweat, tears, our echoes in the halls. This nick here is a memory.  There are stories behind dings and dents. This place sheltered us from life’s storms. It saw ugly fights, breathless laughter; our children were largely raised here.  Then again, in some respects, so was I. Critters and friends of all kinds have been loved on here. Doors slammed, windows broke, and all manner of yelling matches.  Peace, kindness and silliness of the highest order also ran riot through here. This is the place where I slowly learned to feel at home for the first time since we moved to TN. 

Memories are in your soul. Pictures can help unlock some that you've tucked away. So this is what I’ll have to hold on to, pictures and memories. I am in a different phase of life, a new chapter of growth. So I’m alright letting go because eventually we will settle back down. We will create a new home with new memories yet to be discovered. A place to apply all these lessons learned. A place to discover there is so much more to learn! A place to dream about, plot, and plan.

Hope

This time is just a bridge. The time in between. This is when Daddy prunes me off and trims me back, so I can be ready to grow beautifully again. This upcoming time of uncertainty is alright. I have to learn that change is a good thing. I may deal with change better than the boys in our home but not by much! I need to embrace this time like sky diving. My chute is well packed. I’ll land safely, no doubt. So the real choice is do I scream and kick all the way down or enjoy the view?  Enjoy the beauty around me and the adrenaline rush of the ride or panic and be swallowed in fear? 

Hope

I know I don’t have the strength to handle any of this.  And that’s the good part, I don’t have to! As I sit in the empty shell, an afternoon thunder shower is passing by.  I am sitting here comforting Maggie Cat because she doesn’t like the strong wind.  She hasn’t got anything to go hide under anymore. I don’t have to hide anymore either. This insane fear of letting go and not being strong enough is gone. I more fully understand that I don’t have to panic about when, or where, or how this will all work out.  I don’t have to have things “fixed”. I simply do not have to be strong enough. He is my strength. I have Faith which is why I can Hope. Hope for our new home, our future & our dreams. And because of that Faith, I can more fully lean in. I have read so many times and places in the Bible where He is my rock. I’ve rested in Daddy but until now I did not really learn how to let Him be my full strength. This is where I am now in the throes of this learning bridge. Daddy loves me enough to teach me this valuable lesson in life so I will be able to grow more beautifully inside. Some time, somewhere we will be where we are meant to be inside our souls and accordingly also in the physical. We will be replanted where we can settle our roots and our things.

Hope

It’s our safety harness to hold on to.  This time on the bridge, it’s okay. It deserves photos taken, memories made, laughter and tears shed, adventures had and yes, maybe even a door slammed or two; because after all pruning will hurt, but we will be much better for it. 

nesters

as a woman, 

i am by nature a nurturer and a nest builder.  

the games are changing.  

i am losing my nest, i am most likely losing my cat and my dog has past on. no this isn't a country song and i wont be talking about a truck next. 

 my point is when the reason for your being or the things that shape your identity are gone,  ....

 how to you define yourself? 

this is where i think i need help. i wonder what makes "home" home?

 how can i not be homeless in my "homeless" state?  surely in my up coming limbo there is a way to "play home" .

  I feel like i am going to lost.  suggestions that might help, please.