holding on....

I sit here on the floor holding
a piece of string, thread really
and this floor isn't really floor any more either.
It is an island.
An island of floor that used to be in the kitchen.
Large chunks of my grounded reality
have been knocked away
leaving me sitting here
wondering if i should just stay put or jump.
"But jump to where" my brain screams.
This colored thread is what is left
of a bright variegated rope.
My lifeline.
My heart is telling me that it is larger than it looks,
but most days all i see is a faded string
reaching all the way to heaven.
I hold on for my dear soul. 
Although this feels new and horrible,
 i sense a sort of de'ja vu. 
Have i been through this before?  Or a shadow similar to this? 
Or am a slipping out of my head?
my hand hurts.  i want to let go.
lay down an take a long nap under warm covers.
I can't.
You are strengthing the lifeline. 
Just as if feels like one strand is left,
i realize it is a rope again.
You have never left me in darkness,
even though i can't see beyond the room anymore.
it reminds me that Hope is still here.
somewhere. 
probably sitting on her own island
But i am not lost nor alone.
i refuse to budge, i refuse to lose Hope.
As achey as my resolve can be,
Faith still warms my soul. 
I have not grown cold.
And and am not hungry, Love feeds me.
i will hold on
the anchor to this thread must be buried up there,
somewhere within You
so that is why i know, i must, just hold on.

chewed out, lovingly, by the neighbor lady

Below is a copy of a letter i sent meg, ed, and momma: It is worthy of blogging.



guess what: ...cris our neighbor 2 houses over with the garden, chewed me out. I was hanging out clothes on the line and she came over. She wanted to buy some of my corn drying in their stalks for seed. Most of the corn turned out wormy. I told her she could have it. The garden (as you can imagine because you know me very well) is over run with grass and weeds. She asked me what happened. I was very humble and honest. i told her i wanted a garden but i really don't know what i am doing plus i work a lot. The garden was much bigger than i could handle. i told her i wasn't giving up, that i wanted to try again next year and what i planned to do to it over the winter. She asked me to used half the garden and we will work my half together. " i teech you" I know we don't know if we will be here or not. Not worried the offer was too kind. Then: She said " i no see ur beg tall husband. everyting ok?" I told her yes but you have been in florida because your dad is sick. She gives me this puzzled look and ask how long you gone. I told her....boy did the fur fly. Broken english or not every word came out crystal clear. "we neighbor, can't help eech other if we don't know. why you no say. we help u out .... Then i got more grandmotherly lectures ( in the spirit of you dearest) " that tall boy of yours help u, no? You make him help you too! I tell dim boys over there i am no octopus can't do all"....10 minutes later she was a the door with a huge bowl of tomatoes. "We help, u ask...yes?"

as much as i like edna and her boys. they know you are gone....Cracker (but he lives on the other end of the county) has offered once or twice over the summer in passing if i needed anything but edna never has. David would probably help with anything if i asked but i never have and he has never out right offered.


i am going to make sure to take her up on her offer while i am here and not be a stranger to our neighbors. They have the old american concept of neighbor and i need to be one too.


Kind of feels like i am not so alone as i once thought.