I am no shape emotionally to really be blogging. Anything I say should not be held against me, it’s just I need to blow off steam.
Last night, lying next you and listening to your breathing, a “duh” type realization really crashed my being... All I ever really wanted was for you to love me… to feel like you love me. (And why in heavens name did it take me 22 years to fully realize this basic fact.) Brain knowledge of this matter is simply never going to be enough. I don’t believe anyone should ever settle for less than truly feeling the love as well as “knowing” love exists.
Is this a handicap that you have, that maybe you aren’t hardwired to be able to show love? Do you, really deep down where we don’t want to go, do you not love the real me? If this is a by-product of your depression, then will you seek treatment to help all of us out of this pit?
Maybe inside, deep inside, all of us we really do want the fairy tale spouse. I really don’t think I am your Disney Dame. I am just not good enough for the needs you have. I feel so stupid sometimes and I think this might be because you need someone more suited to you. Yes it takes work, but with this much of a work-out I should weigh 98 pounds.
Like I said I really really shouldn’t be blogging. I have said too much, too personal…but this is my truth, how I feel right now. I am so sad.
2 comments:
Hey, I am checking this blog using the phone and this appears to be kind of odd. Thought you'd wish to know. This is a great write-up nevertheless, did not mess that up.
- David
comment to myself and anyone that might possibly be reading: thank you eddie. your blog helped and continues to help. Things are better with you and i am happy for you. i guess sometimes when 2 people are having issues with depression it is like the armless leading the legless!
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