Disclaimer:
I haven’t blogged in a long time because my mood hasn’t been sunshiny enough
for public display. i think it’s time I vented how I feel and try not be angry,
bitter, or depressive. There are some
positive in everything thing if one chooses to look for it, even when the
answers aren’t yet clear. I am sad but that’s ok under the circumstances since I
am not letting the sadness swallow me anymore. It’s kinda like fighting the
Nothing daily, but knowing in the back of your mind, in the end the good guys
always win.
When
is it too late? If you have true Faith
then it is never too late, but sometimes I wonder. Pushed
to what looks like the edge…pushed within sight of the edge…push over the edge
to find a foothold so I can climb back up... push and dangling from that tree
that grows that the edge of my cliff. I am
tired; I am emotionally broken, and fully heartbroken. Most days I flop between crying and numbness.
Most days I just don’t care anymore and I feel like it’s too late. I have been praying, but not for answers. I am so beyond that now. I pray for strength
and that quiet “I don’t know what to pray anymore Lord, but you know do”
prayers. Daddy can always unravel the knots we make or use it for good. I do
know several things. I can’t breathe at
the thought of living without my baby cat. I panic, lose my head for a minute, at
the thought of books boxed up and unreachable.
If I cook now for ed & his dad, I have to run to our house to get utensils,
pans, and ingredients. They will be boxed
away. There is no room in the frig or
kitchen for food that is mine or meg’s now.
Where is that going to go? Others
in are allowed stuff and hobbies, mine will have to be packed away. Where will
be my outlet for my soul? Where will be the little things that make home home to me, to us, to our family? Meg
will have no place to come home to anymore; Isaac either if he ever comes home
again. There are no certainties in life but I feel certain this living situation
will permanent for years to come. And if that is the case one must look deep in
the future. Would you want to bring grandchildren
or friends to this situation the way it is now? There is so much wasted space
in the house but it’s not our house to change.
Bedrooms can’t be changed around (and shouldn’t because it’s not our
house) but just imagine a married couple with 2 decades of history and things
in a child’s bedroom while bruce has the master.
The old saying goes, you don’t
know what ya got got until it’s gone.
Well I’m not gone but the foot/leg is out the door, so maybe that has
been the catalyst in re-appreciating what we have and fixing trouble spots. Now ed is going to stick up for me and figure
out how to make things work…but can it, can it really? Step back a quarter of a
century. An idealistic rash young boy
falls in love with silly impulsive young girl.
Promises and pie-in-the-sky dreams are laid down…and of course, as is
the tradition…with no maturity or forethought involved. Maturity and
forethought come from age, life, experience, and common sense; things that most
people in their late teen and early 20’s don’t yet possess. So why can’t
promises and dreams be rearranged to fit life as it is now? For some the world is black & white and
changed promises are grey. They don’t
fit. What will it cost them in the long
run? Are they willing to pay it? I have
been paying emotionally, we both have. I
am who I am. I have changed a lot in
some ways from that young silly girl. In
other ways I am still her, deep down.
The same goes for that young rash boy. Where does that leave us? Sitting at the fork
in the road pretending it’s still a wandering path? What is the answer, Heavens
I don’t know! The whole situation needs deep revision and honest pruning. It will hurt badly. We have always said, ‘we can make it though
anything’ and life have proven that so far.
This too will be forged though and we will come out on the other side,
but how and what scars have to be endured nobody but Daddy knows.
In the meantime…count blessings…
We
still have love. We still have Faith, in
our Daddy and each other. We have goals for “someday” that won’t be shaken. We
haven’t lost family ties in this. We
haven’t really lost our health in this endeavor so far. We haven’t lost our
sense of humor (completely). We are
learning how to grow from this into better spouses and people. We are re-finding our friendship and sense of
play. We appreciate alone time and dating on a whole new level. Memories are sweeter because some days it is
what you cling to. And we have learned that no matter how hard, living apart
is just an inning not the end score of the game. Maybe someday this will just be the fodder
for those uphill in the snow both ways stories we will tell future generations
just to see their eyes roll!
as a woman, 
my point is when the reason for your being or the things that shape your identity are gone, ....
I feel like i am going to lost. suggestions that might help, please.
