~sandbar~

I have caught my breath as i stand here wading off shore from the sandbar. I was beached unexpectedly last week I have spent the last few days angrily sulking with my feet the sand blaming all my troubles on the lizards that crawled over me. Peanut butter, cursed peanut butter. Not the ordinary sticky stuff from the jar either, i am talking about the Christmas confections peanut butter fudge and buckeye balls. I innocently sampled one, to be kind the the giver/cook never meaning to bite another one. I have used this tactic before. It kills the curiosity as well as being kind to the giver. I was not prepared. I was ambushed. Is there some chemical drug that is produced when you mix powdered sugar and peanut butter? I think there is, i need therapy. I was drawn back to the container like a powerless addict, more than a several times i must confess. I tried breaking off small nibblets rather than eating whole pieces of fudge. It didn't matter because i eventually ate the whole piece i was breaking from in the first place! Guilt and anger follow the binge. Mostly, I believe because i didn't see the temptation coming. i was blindsided. I am prepared to do battle with a known temptation. After anger comes defeat, sulking, and general "i-don't-care-isms". Eating habits weren't good, not horrible but definitely NOT good. The scale burps and the sand bar is comfortable. It is hard swimming against the tide.

Megan to the rescue! She pep-talked and i had a good look at my paperclips. Such long trails of them hanging from the frig. So for the rest of the day i have been wadding a little in the water off shore of the sandbar. I am rested and smarter than when i landed here. Ready to swim off and face the tide again. Swimming against this tide of weight gain is not easy but i am determined to make it to shore.

Our prayers were answered. Ginger was perfectly healed Wednesday. Eddie and i held her after she hugged us goodbye and we let her go. I imagine her and Fawn are having a good laugh and shaking thier head over us silly "human-pets". They surely did their best to train and raise us right.

This is an older picture of old dog when she was young and full of mischief. Our BabyDog is dying. Ginger has cirrhosis of the liver. She isn't responding to treatment because it is likely the aliment of the liver is do to cancer. We have only a few weeks left, if that, with our girl. I am not sure how we will go on with out Gingy hugs. We will of course but how can the Dot understand all this. Do dogs really understand the loss. I know they feel it. Ginger taught me that. In a strange way Ginger becoming ill has resurfaced a little bit of the small raw spot left when we grieved the loss of Fawn. Ginger was the dog we got for us and Fawn when she had cancer the 2nd time. I am so glad the vet insisted we get her a playmate. She has lived for 10-11 wonderful years with us and Ginger has been through so much with us. Every dog, just like any human or animal family member, is unique and irreplaceable. There will forever be a Bat-Ears size hole in my heart when she leaves us. She has helped train Firecracker and DotDog but i think Della was too much for her. She hated her at first, now i think she has a "i give up on her" attitude. Poor Dell tries so hard to get Ginger to like her. As Ging has become ill, Dell is even looking out for her. Perhaps just like humans, the more the personalities are alike, the harder they have to work to get along. So far Della still hasn't eaten more shoes than Ginger, but the pup is still fairly young! She sure has Ginger's tail! I am just glad she isn't as tall. There were clues to how old she has been getting on us but other than one hard cry with my husband a couple of years ago i refused to see. I guess i should have realized when Maggie Cat came home that she is very elderly. For a dog that loves cats as much as she does not to take to Mags should have been one of many clues to just how old our BabyDog is now. She has had some dear friends over the years, Eightball and Stinky were her cats in her youth. As much affection as she still shows Meg's cat Dash and ole Lenny (that now belongs to Mom), they are really Dot's cats the way Stinky was hers. The hips failing was hard not to see. That was one of the reasons we have been in Dr V.M.'s office this past year. She sure loves the Doc. Ginger has never given me any trouble going ever since the Doc fixed her ears up. I watch her now and as she lays there you can see she is hurting. Just a few hours ago when she was up she was trying to snuzzel up to me in the bedroom and later acting silly in the kitchen. She was trying to play 2 days ago with Eddie. I don't know when to cry "uncle" for her sake. Ging seams to be fighting this so hard spiritually but her body has already won. I asked Dr V.M. the when question. She promised me Ginger would let us know. I just hope she does. i am praying that God will grant her perfect healing. As much as i am going to miss our BabyGirl, i want her horsing around again with FawnDog, Copper, and Freckles where we know they aren't hurting any more.

I don't have to be bi-polar, my life is for me...i just have to hold on to the knot in the rope and hope it isn't the last knot! Damn though the hands get a bit chaffed for holding on sometimes. On minute life is fine and things are great, knees weak from love and heart full of happiness; then the pendulum swings and i am left wondering how it switched so fast. It can be depressing but i am doing better at coping. Stress eating has always been a crutch that i am not depending on anymore. I am relying so heavily on my faith. I do understand how people cope without faith but can be so destuctive. Drinking would feel good because for a short time at lease you are numb to pain. If things are always "darkest before the dawn" or " i can see the light at the end of the tunnel" how come i and always stuck there. I am glad Eddie is home but i am not so sure he is. He is probably just fustrated that he isn't working yet and uncertain about his future. Not working has always been hard on him. He will get through this, we all will, but i wish there was an easy way that wadding through an emotional swamp. I am so lonely for him and he is home now. I just wish we could patch up. I miss just chatting and talking about anything. i miss my friend.
The wieght loss is coming along slow and steady. It is finally starting to show that i have lost wieght. I am down 38 pounds now. I have to set some new goals. Personal and physical goals for my future.

I can't wait to go get lost with the camera now that it is home again. ....
until then..