choice

It all comes down to choice doesn't.  I either choose to or i choose not to, & ignoring it counts as well.  Sometimes i think i never really learn a lesson; hardheaded i guess.  Don't bottle shit up and put a cork on it! Gee-Whiz i've been here.  But it's what i do, i am a turtle.  ( the good news i know i win the race!!) I called someone the other day just to say hello and to hear her voice.  I needed to.  I missed them. It's been over 6 months since the last "hi how are you?"  From either one of us. Today i was nearby by and came with in a mile of stopped for a hug. KLove was on the radio talking about the stuff we go through & how God sees us through it all; how that in the end we are so much better for the journey.  It hit me like air escaping a balloon.  I can't say that.  I am through it, i think.  I am in a better place, but i am still bitter how i got here. If i could go back, sadly, i know i probably would.  I have never really gotten over the anger of being laid off.  For lots of reasons, i would have never left unless the economy hadn't crashed.  I was in the wrong department, but it is what i went back to school for. (paid a student loan for.)  I went there chasing a ghost, and while i realize i  would never find her, i was  happy. I was content.  I had friends.  I thought i was safe.  I saw myself (eventually maybe a different department) there in 20 years.  I had benefits.  I was real good at my job and was for the first time, part of a team. I was dependable and responsible.  I complained about some stuff, but honestly we all did, it's high stress and drama at a hospital.  Granted my health and pay are better now...but i just still haven't let go of the why-me aspect.  Part of me feels like i lost a family, maybe i just never let myself grieve that and say goodbye to it. I guess Kindergarten is wonderful and we would all love to go back some days but we can't, can we. I wonder if i am hindering my own growth and fostering my future melt down if i can't let 2010 go. The melt down is coming anyway but it would be nice to grow a bit from all this.  I do believe that while not all things are for a specific/divine reason, or even happened on purpose, if we allow it, good can come from it.  the trick is to stop and look for the good and work with ebb and flow of life instead of fighting it.  I think i have been so bitter & sore on this job subject that deep down below the surface, i haven't really looked at the good and saw if for was it can be.  I need to choose.  Ignoring this is choosing to embrace bitterness.  Letting go of something you loved is never easy. Kinda of like having a bad boyfriend, he may not be the best choice, but you still love him. Time to let myself stretch and grow.  I need to choose to let the past go away like echos down the hall.  (Kinda like we used to ignore that ghost on 3rds that messed with the elevators. )

mud

Megan said the most profound thing to me this weekend as she held me. "Mom, it's ok to sit in the mud."  I instantly started bawling again because the reality of that statement just blew me away.  I have felt like i have been wading and trudging along in that mud for awhile now. Sometimes i get so tired.  I just never thought of just sitting down and resting.  Sunday during the main service i shut myself up in the prayer room for a bit hoping for some clarity.  Psalm 46:1-3 & 10, really the whole Psalm but what struck me when i opened up to it was verse 10, "Be still..."  Sit in the mud.  Dear James and the beginning of  his 4th chapter as well as more from the Psalms quenched my soul.  Sit in the mud.  Thank you Meg for letting me cry.  I know i will have to get back up and walk on but i think you might just be right.  how can i gain clarity and hear Daddy whisper in my soul if i am always huffing and puffing through life's swampy areas.  There is a time for everything, even resting & recuperating.  I have slipped up on all the reading i used to be doing.  It is a symptom or byproduct of frustration that has become now become the disease of not moving forward.  Attitudes can't change if i don't exercise them with healthy input. So i rest.  breathe deep.  i will move forward with cooling mud covering me & protecting me from stinging bugs of life (hopefully) for a bit.  This isn't going to change anything but i will help me move forward.  Life is just a series of landscapes, not sure what is ahead of the swamp but it's alright.  We will never have to go through these places alone.

questions with tea

When is it too old to realize your dreams?  Should there be a time where you say " this is enough, pass here i have to give up."? Or do we never stop?  If we are always evolving and changing, do the dreams constantly evolve & flow with us, thus allowing us to never stop dreaming?  Not to mean we are never satisfied, but that we are always striving to a goals out in front of us.

I don't have these answers.  I just wonder if i should realize some things are just not in the cards for me.

Maybe i should just get my hormones checked instead.

i have had my tea now so it is time to turn my brain off and get some sleep.
       Life's heavy questions can be much easily answered tomorrow.
                       Always tomorrow....

Tinsle Time

I heard a commentary on WNPR coming home tonight that really made me stop and think.  Am I the Chief Celebrator? Are you?  If you or I weren’t in the house would they go to the same crazy lengths to celebrate a holiday?  If not, then you are a Chief Celebrator and I think I am too.  Why do we bother if it only means this much to us?  I think, it is because we realize somewhere deep within ourselves just how profoundly important celebrating and memory making is, what it will mean to someone later on.  Holidays are not just happy sugar sweet & snow covered bliss.  Holidays are bitter-sweet, shadow haunted alleyways as well.  From our earliest memories we have glimpses packed with childhood innocents and Christmas glee, but the older we get those memories are shadowed.  There are empty chairs at gatherings…dear family gone; some have broken homes to complicate what should be a festive time & older folk alone and nearly forgotten.  As much as it might annoy some that we Chief Celebrators go to such ridiculous lengths to make merry, don’t you think it is our duty to do so.  See we remind them why we celebrate even in the mists of penny-pinching times or plenty-to-share times.  If we don’t take the time to reflect what we have come through as families or individuals, and how much we all mean to each other; I think we will just drift apart.  Family and friends anchor each other through all life brings. 


   I remember years Ed and I had so little to supply under the tree and yet it was almost always full.  I remember a few years of plenty and the giggling fun we had racing through the malls buying for everyone we could think of.  I remember living rooms lit only with Christmas lights secretly stuffing stockings only to realize someone had been there before me.  I remember Grams having 2 punch bowls of eggnog and that we kids were NOT allowed to drink from one of them!  I remember childhood Christmas’s in Indiana that are filled people now gone or now distant.  We need to remind each other of not just the reason for the season we are in but the journey that brought us to another one to enjoy it.  


Nichols (not the Saint btw) reminded me a few weeks ago that if we are not homeless, if we have something for dinner, & if we are not cold; we have much to celebrate and be thankful for & the rest is fluff.  Ya know he right. Some years have lots of packaging and some not so much, but that’s alright.  Celebrating is what is needed, holiday happiness is needed, and memories of all kinds are needed.  They help shape us and anchor us to the ones we hold most dear.