bedrock & life

Rock, Boulder, Stone.

Immovable object.  Something you can lean on.  Stand on, climb on, moss grows on.  Shelters you. Protects you.  

i am so flat these days.  my small world has changed around me lately.  More likely it has been changing all along but i just didn't notice.  Not so sure where i fit in it anymore. Luckily life has given me a solid bedrock foundation, but still...my roles have changed, the hats i wear mean different things. I don't know where i am suppose to be or what i am supposed to be.  i need to make a list...
Missy Marie

• still loves to laugh, play and prank
• yard goods, embroidery floss, and patterns still excite me
• books are still a passion
• very loyal to those i care about
• my taste in clothes are still leaning to towards prices i can't afford
• still rather watch Disney than horror
• still gentle and emotionally bruise too easily

but this doesn't help...i have questions that i don't know where to find answers to.

• what is my place now?
• what role to i play in this family/marriage/friendship?
• how do i fit in his life now?  in their life?  in my own self?
• if i am not sure i can be a good friend to even myself lately how do i change that to be a friend to those i love?
• how can i rekindle a bonfire when i've been told it's nearly coals?
• how do you live with past regrets and time you can't get back?

Grieving has brought out more than just sadness.  It reminds me more and more how much time i lost.  Time i can't get back.  regrets and failings.  This sadness will pass i know.  this is just a funk but it is shedding light on dark places.  i can't ignore how flat i feel, how lost i feel lately.  i wish i knew....is this the year of my midlife meltdown and everyone goes though this?  If the answer is yes, then someone out there better give me some coping skills before i ruin what is left of my life.