I came home late last night and of course megan was snoozing on the red couch over at Grandpa’s. She did eventually wake up and try to chat a bit. It was completely unfair to both of us and completely selfish of me. We managed to get to Sunday School early since she was teaching with me nursing an energy drink. I only got half a night’s sleep. She was struggling to stay awake during church and it was a good service, she is just so worn thin. I feel guilty keeping her up. The youth were going on a wonderful hike today to Max Patch in the Smokey Mountains. Denise and William are back in the States and are going on the hike. I really wanted to go with everyone, but of course I am working. Megan and I rush to Food City to get her some food for the hike. As we are leaving the church she knows something is wrong and I firmly deign any such thing. I don’t think she bought it. It isn’t just one thing and we have no time to talk; mostly what is bothering me can’t be fixed so what’s the point. It’s her, us; I miss my deep friendship with her. She is too busy and that is only proper for everything that is on her plate. I can’t blame her, make her feel guilty, or even fix it. Time will heals such things…
10.10.2010
6.01.2010
8 years earlier
A lot has happened since i last wrote. I wish i wouldn't keep losing track of my journal but since i have been sleeping in 3 or 4 different places, i generally just write in my head. It releases the stress however only God knows what my thoughts might have been, they evaporate like mist in my dreams. We are in Cocke County now and semi set up. My emotions swing like a pendulum slowly centering as we settle in and reformulate what family means to us now in this situation. This first year here will be the hardest I'm sure. It is so refreshing to be back in the house. Today is my birthday. So i am doing what i probably shouldn't, reflecting on my life.
Where i have been and what i have done can't be changed. I can't fix mistakes. I only wish i could, but then just how different would things be.
The Old Testament is full of meaning and symbols. The number 8 generally stands as a new beginning. It has been 8 long years and hard lessons i am just now learning. This is not going to be easy to do but i signed up for classes at the local community college a month ago. I am starting over & this time i am doing it for the right reason. Part of me is scared to death, the other part is still hiding. WHY? Great question with an timeless answer. Fill in your own blank there. It is finally time to start being me and probably painfully honestly me for the first time in nearly half my life. I can talk about that part though. Too private for any public journal, and too painful. We all have reasons we do what we do. I am just learning from this that i took a wrong turn at a wrong time. Ya can't go back, you can only go forward from here. This is what puts the steel in us magnolias (that and the male species in general).
Where i have been and what i have done can't be changed. I can't fix mistakes. I only wish i could, but then just how different would things be.
The Old Testament is full of meaning and symbols. The number 8 generally stands as a new beginning. It has been 8 long years and hard lessons i am just now learning. This is not going to be easy to do but i signed up for classes at the local community college a month ago. I am starting over & this time i am doing it for the right reason. Part of me is scared to death, the other part is still hiding. WHY? Great question with an timeless answer. Fill in your own blank there. It is finally time to start being me and probably painfully honestly me for the first time in nearly half my life. I can talk about that part though. Too private for any public journal, and too painful. We all have reasons we do what we do. I am just learning from this that i took a wrong turn at a wrong time. Ya can't go back, you can only go forward from here. This is what puts the steel in us magnolias (that and the male species in general).
10.29.2009
holding on....
I sit here on the floor holding
a piece of string, thread really
and this floor isn't really floor any more either.
It is an island.
An island of floor that used to be in the kitchen.
Large chunks of my grounded reality
have been knocked away
leaving me sitting here
wondering if i should just stay put or jump.
"But jump to where" my brain screams.
This colored thread is what is left
of a bright variegated rope.
My lifeline.
My heart is telling me that it is larger than it looks,
but most days all i see is a faded string
reaching all the way to heaven.
I hold on for my dear soul.
Although this feels new and horrible,
i sense a sort of de'ja vu.
Have i been through this before? Or a shadow similar to this?
Or am a slipping out of my head?
my hand hurts. i want to let go.
lay down an take a long nap under warm covers.
I can't.
You are strengthing the lifeline.
Just as if feels like one strand is left,
i realize it is a rope again.
You have never left me in darkness,
even though i can't see beyond the room anymore.
it reminds me that Hope is still here.
somewhere.
probably sitting on her own island
But i am not lost nor alone.
i refuse to budge, i refuse to lose Hope.
As achey as my resolve can be,
Faith still warms my soul.
I have not grown cold.
And and am not hungry, Love feeds me.
i will hold on
the anchor to this thread must be buried up there,
somewhere within You
so that is why i know, i must, just hold on.
a piece of string, thread really
and this floor isn't really floor any more either.
It is an island.
An island of floor that used to be in the kitchen.
Large chunks of my grounded reality
have been knocked away
leaving me sitting here
wondering if i should just stay put or jump.
"But jump to where" my brain screams.
This colored thread is what is left
of a bright variegated rope.
My lifeline.
My heart is telling me that it is larger than it looks,
but most days all i see is a faded string
reaching all the way to heaven.
I hold on for my dear soul.
Although this feels new and horrible,
i sense a sort of de'ja vu.
Have i been through this before? Or a shadow similar to this?
Or am a slipping out of my head?
my hand hurts. i want to let go.
lay down an take a long nap under warm covers.
I can't.
You are strengthing the lifeline.
Just as if feels like one strand is left,
i realize it is a rope again.
You have never left me in darkness,
even though i can't see beyond the room anymore.
it reminds me that Hope is still here.
somewhere.
probably sitting on her own island
But i am not lost nor alone.
i refuse to budge, i refuse to lose Hope.
As achey as my resolve can be,
Faith still warms my soul.
I have not grown cold.
And and am not hungry, Love feeds me.
i will hold on
the anchor to this thread must be buried up there,
somewhere within You
so that is why i know, i must, just hold on.
chewed out, lovingly, by the neighbor lady
Below is a copy of a letter i sent meg, ed, and momma: It is worthy of blogging.
guess what: ...cris our neighbor 2 houses over with the garden, chewed me out. I was hanging out clothes on the line and she came over. She wanted to buy some of my corn drying in their stalks for seed. Most of the corn turned out wormy. I told her she could have it. The garden (as you can imagine because you know me very well) is over run with grass and weeds. She asked me what happened. I was very humble and honest. i told her i wanted a garden but i really don't know what i am doing plus i work a lot. The garden was much bigger than i could handle. i told her i wasn't giving up, that i wanted to try again next year and what i planned to do to it over the winter. She asked me to used half the garden and we will work my half together. " i teech you" I know we don't know if we will be here or not. Not worried the offer was too kind. Then: She said " i no see ur beg tall husband. everyting ok?" I told her yes but you have been in florida because your dad is sick. She gives me this puzzled look and ask how long you gone. I told her....boy did the fur fly. Broken english or not every word came out crystal clear. "we neighbor, can't help eech other if we don't know. why you no say. we help u out .... Then i got more grandmotherly lectures ( in the spirit of you dearest) " that tall boy of yours help u, no? You make him help you too! I tell dim boys over there i am no octopus can't do all"....10 minutes later she was a the door with a huge bowl of tomatoes. "We help, u ask...yes?"
as much as i like edna and her boys. they know you are gone....Cracker (but he lives on the other end of the county) has offered once or twice over the summer in passing if i needed anything but edna never has. David would probably help with anything if i asked but i never have and he has never out right offered.
i am going to make sure to take her up on her offer while i am here and not be a stranger to our neighbors. They have the old american concept of neighbor and i need to be one too.
Kind of feels like i am not so alone as i once thought.
guess what: ...cris our neighbor 2 houses over with the garden, chewed me out. I was hanging out clothes on the line and she came over. She wanted to buy some of my corn drying in their stalks for seed. Most of the corn turned out wormy. I told her she could have it. The garden (as you can imagine because you know me very well) is over run with grass and weeds. She asked me what happened. I was very humble and honest. i told her i wanted a garden but i really don't know what i am doing plus i work a lot. The garden was much bigger than i could handle. i told her i wasn't giving up, that i wanted to try again next year and what i planned to do to it over the winter. She asked me to used half the garden and we will work my half together. " i teech you" I know we don't know if we will be here or not. Not worried the offer was too kind. Then: She said " i no see ur beg tall husband. everyting ok?" I told her yes but you have been in florida because your dad is sick. She gives me this puzzled look and ask how long you gone. I told her....boy did the fur fly. Broken english or not every word came out crystal clear. "we neighbor, can't help eech other if we don't know. why you no say. we help u out .... Then i got more grandmotherly lectures ( in the spirit of you dearest) " that tall boy of yours help u, no? You make him help you too! I tell dim boys over there i am no octopus can't do all"....10 minutes later she was a the door with a huge bowl of tomatoes. "We help, u ask...yes?"
as much as i like edna and her boys. they know you are gone....Cracker (but he lives on the other end of the county) has offered once or twice over the summer in passing if i needed anything but edna never has. David would probably help with anything if i asked but i never have and he has never out right offered.
i am going to make sure to take her up on her offer while i am here and not be a stranger to our neighbors. They have the old american concept of neighbor and i need to be one too.
Kind of feels like i am not so alone as i once thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)