time is short

77 days and 7 hours until New Years Day!  

did you just roll your eyes at the screen?

okay so what can i get done or change in 77 days and 7 hours to make 2013 start blissfully?
Change is good.  i hate change, but not as much as a few fellows in my life.  Some changes are downright scary, but around here things crept off course.  So let's put it right.  Now what can get done in less than 3 months to impact the next 12 or hopefully more?  I found this in an article about questions women should ask themselves.  It really fit where my head was wandering.

"How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?

I believe this question was originally posed by Lao Tzu, who also wrote, "To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something." Face it: You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts. Chuck your chic-chick junk, chic chick. Enlightenment awaits. “

I have read that it takes 21 days to break a habit or form a new one.  so i have time to do this.  Procrastinate over this.  i even have time to screw it up and restart this!! Hot Damn!

Okay so where to start.  I.  that's the only place.  I can't change the past; past mistakes, past habits, other people, or even other people's belief in me.  I can only change me and what i am doing.  Well heaven's so far all i am doing is thinking and typing.  I should make a list. 

• thing 1
• thing 2
• this will hurt

ok so those aren't the actual agenda items, but it's good to get start somewhere.  First thing i want to do is a fast.  Clear my heart and do deep soul searching.  From there some more deep cleaning and donating things from my closet. I wanted this to be a very special month.  I woke up so happy October 1st.  This month meant a lot to me. It hasn't been what i thought it would be so far, but it is only half over.  There is still time to change my wonderful October with everything else!  

bedrock & life

Rock, Boulder, Stone.

Immovable object.  Something you can lean on.  Stand on, climb on, moss grows on.  Shelters you. Protects you.  

i am so flat these days.  my small world has changed around me lately.  More likely it has been changing all along but i just didn't notice.  Not so sure where i fit in it anymore. Luckily life has given me a solid bedrock foundation, but still...my roles have changed, the hats i wear mean different things. I don't know where i am suppose to be or what i am supposed to be.  i need to make a list...
Missy Marie

• still loves to laugh, play and prank
• yard goods, embroidery floss, and patterns still excite me
• books are still a passion
• very loyal to those i care about
• my taste in clothes are still leaning to towards prices i can't afford
• still rather watch Disney than horror
• still gentle and emotionally bruise too easily

but this doesn't help...i have questions that i don't know where to find answers to.

• what is my place now?
• what role to i play in this family/marriage/friendship?
• how do i fit in his life now?  in their life?  in my own self?
• if i am not sure i can be a good friend to even myself lately how do i change that to be a friend to those i love?
• how can i rekindle a bonfire when i've been told it's nearly coals?
• how do you live with past regrets and time you can't get back?

Grieving has brought out more than just sadness.  It reminds me more and more how much time i lost.  Time i can't get back.  regrets and failings.  This sadness will pass i know.  this is just a funk but it is shedding light on dark places.  i can't ignore how flat i feel, how lost i feel lately.  i wish i knew....is this the year of my midlife meltdown and everyone goes though this?  If the answer is yes, then someone out there better give me some coping skills before i ruin what is left of my life.  

too tired to type

tired. but . i. can't. quit.  sigh.  bed, with a certain leg way elevated.  have to plan this adventure better...have to keep calling it an adventure.  An adventure to a cozy house with all the trapping of happiness. 

choice

It all comes down to choice doesn't.  I either choose to or i choose not to, & ignoring it counts as well.  Sometimes i think i never really learn a lesson; hardheaded i guess.  Don't bottle shit up and put a cork on it! Gee-Whiz i've been here.  But it's what i do, i am a turtle.  ( the good news i know i win the race!!) I called someone the other day just to say hello and to hear her voice.  I needed to.  I missed them. It's been over 6 months since the last "hi how are you?"  From either one of us. Today i was nearby by and came with in a mile of stopped for a hug. KLove was on the radio talking about the stuff we go through & how God sees us through it all; how that in the end we are so much better for the journey.  It hit me like air escaping a balloon.  I can't say that.  I am through it, i think.  I am in a better place, but i am still bitter how i got here. If i could go back, sadly, i know i probably would.  I have never really gotten over the anger of being laid off.  For lots of reasons, i would have never left unless the economy hadn't crashed.  I was in the wrong department, but it is what i went back to school for. (paid a student loan for.)  I went there chasing a ghost, and while i realize i  would never find her, i was  happy. I was content.  I had friends.  I thought i was safe.  I saw myself (eventually maybe a different department) there in 20 years.  I had benefits.  I was real good at my job and was for the first time, part of a team. I was dependable and responsible.  I complained about some stuff, but honestly we all did, it's high stress and drama at a hospital.  Granted my health and pay are better now...but i just still haven't let go of the why-me aspect.  Part of me feels like i lost a family, maybe i just never let myself grieve that and say goodbye to it. I guess Kindergarten is wonderful and we would all love to go back some days but we can't, can we. I wonder if i am hindering my own growth and fostering my future melt down if i can't let 2010 go. The melt down is coming anyway but it would be nice to grow a bit from all this.  I do believe that while not all things are for a specific/divine reason, or even happened on purpose, if we allow it, good can come from it.  the trick is to stop and look for the good and work with ebb and flow of life instead of fighting it.  I think i have been so bitter & sore on this job subject that deep down below the surface, i haven't really looked at the good and saw if for was it can be.  I need to choose.  Ignoring this is choosing to embrace bitterness.  Letting go of something you loved is never easy. Kinda of like having a bad boyfriend, he may not be the best choice, but you still love him. Time to let myself stretch and grow.  I need to choose to let the past go away like echos down the hall.  (Kinda like we used to ignore that ghost on 3rds that messed with the elevators. )