the switch

i didn't hear the click when things switched over, and i don't really know when it happened.

Isaac has been gone over a month now. I really think the more he is gone the more i am convinced he has more blond roots than his sister, but that's a blog for another time! Megan has been in the dorms for over 3 semesters now. Before the first semester at CNC she house sat for the summer over at her grandma's place. So just when did home cease being "home"? I didn't notice this at Christmas break, but that doesn't mean it wasn't true or wasn't switching over.

The flu just had a hit-in-run with Megan. Her Grandma and I convinced Meg to come to her Grandmas' to rest up be nursed. She did and confessed that it really helped her recuperate. I looked up after Meg got back to the dorm at noticed that "she went home to the dorm" and she would "try and come here saturday when she can get away" . To the sappy emotional momma in me, it really took the wind out of me. I guess i should have seen it coming, but i just didn't.

When did this switch over to the other side of the road? Isaac left. Megan slipped away. Isaac was a drive over, drop off, drive away. The drive home and the following week were as painful as a scheduled broken arm. Megan's switch was more slow and subtle. I am still trying to figure out how i ended up with another broken bone when wasn't ready for it. don't i get to recover from the first crack first!!?

Life's not fair and i know this fact, i just i needed to vent about the lack of air i am breathing these days.

It hurts.

I hate this change.

oh my

the count is on....today is tuesday, isaac leaves saturday, meg moves back in the dorm monday.

so this time next we start a new empty nest news.

this will broadcast the last news as i hopefully reassemble the pieces of me that shattered apart

sadness

I am no shape emotionally to really be blogging. Anything I say should not be held against me, it’s just I need to blow off steam.







Last night, lying next you and listening to your breathing, a “duh” type realization really crashed my being... All I ever really wanted was for you to love me… to feel like you love me. (And why in heavens name did it take me 22 years to fully realize this basic fact.) Brain knowledge of this matter is simply never going to be enough. I don’t believe anyone should ever settle for less than truly feeling the love as well as “knowing” love exists.






Is this a handicap that you have, that maybe you aren’t hardwired to be able to show love? Do you, really deep down where we don’t want to go, do you not love the real me? If this is a by-product of your depression, then will you seek treatment to help all of us out of this pit?






Maybe inside, deep inside, all of us we really do want the fairy tale spouse. I really don’t think I am your Disney Dame. I am just not good enough for the needs you have. I feel so stupid sometimes and I think this might be because you need someone more suited to you. Yes it takes work, but with this much of a work-out I should weigh 98 pounds.






Like I said I really really shouldn’t be blogging. I have said too much, too personal…but this is my truth, how I feel right now. I am so sad.

is it flat or fat

anyway whatever tire it is, i am having one.  Belgium or pale...i don't remember.  eddie gave me a sip of one the other night. not bad for a beer.  so why is a non-beer drinker cracking the top in the middle of the week without even a bowl of chili nearby?  i am not going to get a buzz off one but i was hoping for a dulling of the senses.  Isn't that one of the main reasons to drink besides taste?  Ya know, the smell of it reminds me of summers at Art's Country Park with Gram & Gramps.  Grams stretched out in lawn chair with a Harlequin romance & Gramps at the picnic table with the radio blaring a Cubs game. i am not drinking a beer to drown myself in memories of a great lady or a lost childhood, just funny how smells can pick you up toss you unwillingly back a few decades.  No i just thought it might work like caffeine.  Caffeine gives you the physical energy to move & i was sorta hoping one beer could just smooth over an ouch moment so i could get past it.  Forgiveness and forgetfulness should be a skills we all learn.  i believe i am fairly good at it.  For those of you in my life that aren't, i would like to give you a tip or two.  First off, warn a girl.  If you are going to dredge up scum of the bottom of the pastpond, perhaps a wee bit of warning should be in order before you sling.  And remember if it came out of the pastpond it is only an illusion of something.  it isn't real anymore.  You can't fix, change or redo anything that goes in there.   Then there is just that, you can't redo anything so learn to deal with it.  The more you dredge up this stuff the more it slides down and settles around your feet.  You can't move until you shake it off.  Forgetting is the coolest part of forgiveness.  I understand why someone would remember but still forgive, but let me say this.  Forgetting something is really freeing to the soul.

I think someone doesn't really believe in me when they bring back old issues.  If i was truly sorry or if for instance it was out of my control, and you keep bringing it back up:  Do you really believe me or believe in me; have faith in me.  The Bible talks about love.  i am who i am & that is a follower, so the Bible is what i am going to use as my bottom line definition. Going by that then, love doesn't get a record of wrongs.  Love of a friend, a family member or a lover/spouse/partner should be no different really in this case.  it is still love.  i will of course love my son different than my aunt or my husband but it is still love and it should BE certain things.

 ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

This is how i try to love, but i am not perfect, nor do expect others to be.  It is human nature to swim in the pastpond for lots of reasons, most of them good.  Driving down to dredge the shitty crap that settles to the bottoms is just wrong. 

  Well i can tell you now that i am nearly finished with this note and my beer that for me, drinking it was the wrong move.  It only reminds me of Gramps and that makes me think of Her.  I can't handle that on good days.  I am not her, i only deeply wish i could be.  If i were more like Gram,  i  wouldn't have been fussed at in the first place. 

so i guess the tire went flat.