so what...

So what happens when you are just realizing your physical limitations? Is it because of the weight or the legs problems that affect my already weak ankles? The heart is so willing to work. The desire is very there and ready to roll. I can create the energy from outside sources since even younger I didn’t ever really have much naturally. Why why why does my feet and ankles give out on me. I can’t make them stop hurting so bad. Shoes, insoles, and socks…. Is this why Daddy seems to think I don’t need another job on my feet. I would attempt 3 if someone would hire me. Eddie you said something the other night that really made me think. You said you were going to make sure I didn’t do more than I could handle and you knew that I didn’t know just what that limit was. I think Daddy is doing the same thing. But I have to get the ends to meet that aren’t doing that on their own. I am going to have to stop fretting and relearn to let this go and let Him worry about things that are obviously out of my hands.


So what happens when you are just realizing your emotional limitations? Our bible study was about relationships, friendships, family, acquaintances, or otherwise. Is it that I don’t know how to be a good friend or just that I have been gun shy too long,  being burned before; possibly a bit of both. I was listening to mom talk about why she thinks she scares people off, because of living alone for all these years. My brain starting running, ok girl what do you do that scares people off. Not that I know I do, but just in case, what should I not be doing. First ADD type trait is if someone asks “how ya doing?” they really DON’T what that answered!!! Learned that one! Positive attitudes win the day. I just don’t know when it is safe to let people in. I also hope they realize being my friend means you will hear things about my crazy life but I don’t need it fixed. It is what it is and overall it is a good life. I need to have someone just listen to me blow steam once in awhile just simply for the sake of letting me blow it off the top! I need a girl to hang and have coffee/tea with, laugh with, what a movie with…I have Shell but we live so blasted far away. When I win the lottery, I am getting a lake house back home so Shell & I can hang out more often! Eddie, Mom & especially Meg are the only friends I have here in TN. They are the dearest truest of real friends too. In the last 5 years or so my little bro and i have really started becoming good friends too.  My is mom right though, i think i need friendships outside of family. So I will just keep prayerfully nurturing the friends I know I have here that I haven’t let get that close and hope I find opportunities to grow closer to them; Cec, Lisa, Georgia, Roe, Kim, among others.

the switch

i didn't hear the click when things switched over, and i don't really know when it happened.

Isaac has been gone over a month now. I really think the more he is gone the more i am convinced he has more blond roots than his sister, but that's a blog for another time! Megan has been in the dorms for over 3 semesters now. Before the first semester at CNC she house sat for the summer over at her grandma's place. So just when did home cease being "home"? I didn't notice this at Christmas break, but that doesn't mean it wasn't true or wasn't switching over.

The flu just had a hit-in-run with Megan. Her Grandma and I convinced Meg to come to her Grandmas' to rest up be nursed. She did and confessed that it really helped her recuperate. I looked up after Meg got back to the dorm at noticed that "she went home to the dorm" and she would "try and come here saturday when she can get away" . To the sappy emotional momma in me, it really took the wind out of me. I guess i should have seen it coming, but i just didn't.

When did this switch over to the other side of the road? Isaac left. Megan slipped away. Isaac was a drive over, drop off, drive away. The drive home and the following week were as painful as a scheduled broken arm. Megan's switch was more slow and subtle. I am still trying to figure out how i ended up with another broken bone when wasn't ready for it. don't i get to recover from the first crack first!!?

Life's not fair and i know this fact, i just i needed to vent about the lack of air i am breathing these days.

It hurts.

I hate this change.

oh my

the count is on....today is tuesday, isaac leaves saturday, meg moves back in the dorm monday.

so this time next we start a new empty nest news.

this will broadcast the last news as i hopefully reassemble the pieces of me that shattered apart

sadness

I am no shape emotionally to really be blogging. Anything I say should not be held against me, it’s just I need to blow off steam.







Last night, lying next you and listening to your breathing, a “duh” type realization really crashed my being... All I ever really wanted was for you to love me… to feel like you love me. (And why in heavens name did it take me 22 years to fully realize this basic fact.) Brain knowledge of this matter is simply never going to be enough. I don’t believe anyone should ever settle for less than truly feeling the love as well as “knowing” love exists.






Is this a handicap that you have, that maybe you aren’t hardwired to be able to show love? Do you, really deep down where we don’t want to go, do you not love the real me? If this is a by-product of your depression, then will you seek treatment to help all of us out of this pit?






Maybe inside, deep inside, all of us we really do want the fairy tale spouse. I really don’t think I am your Disney Dame. I am just not good enough for the needs you have. I feel so stupid sometimes and I think this might be because you need someone more suited to you. Yes it takes work, but with this much of a work-out I should weigh 98 pounds.






Like I said I really really shouldn’t be blogging. I have said too much, too personal…but this is my truth, how I feel right now. I am so sad.