Summer Veg Out!

it's been awhile since i posted anything, but that's more to do with life moving than nothing to blog about. I am starting a fun short journey, so i thought about starting a journal for it. I think blogging here where i open up occasionally is a better choice.

  So what am i up to?

For June, July & August i am vegging out. No not relaxing, although that would be preferred. i am going vegetarian. i am doing this for the let's just see reason mostly, and health reasons, too. I will say , however, if the Cubs look like they are headed for pennant at the end of August, i may never touch meat again. one can't be too careful. i could do that for them.

 I am not jumping into deep waters with this. I plan to include dairy, eggs and maybe fish. For me, fish options have always been limited but maybe a Lenten like Friday Fish day once in awhile.  i am not sure how well i will do.  most meat, especially red meat will be easy to pass over. Meat candy (aka bacon) will be sorely missed but i'm ok. i am fairly certain, though, when Eddie gets some yummy things from the international grocery store i am in real danger. if he starts cooking with that German knockwurst or bratwurst, i will fall like a pagan in front a golden idol. somethings are just beyond will power.

This little blog will not turn into the instagram facebook picture of every meal thing. promise. Instead, i want to post highs, new discoveries, falls on my face, and if this journey is something i would like to continue. I have a health site i belong to that will help me monitor not just weight loss (or lack of) but inches lost . I have been trying to lose weight for a very long time.  i have refused to diet for a long time now, too. It is a math equation. Less in plus quality in vs. activity out. Despite any book ever printed, it is that and always always has been. i've lost 32 in the last couple of years and have come to a plateau. In that time i have also struggled with of very stressful private journey/hell.  i am in a much better, much happier place personally since this time last year. Frankly, this time last year compared to now miraculous. i feel like i shed an old skin with not just myself, but also in the wonderful relationship with the love of my life, by walking through fire and making it out intact. While that journey is continuing to heal and evolve, this one with overlap. I think part of the reason behind the summer veg out is to kick start my metabolism and shed some of physical to go along with the inner Melissa.

 i am finally growing up. i think, for me anyway, growing up is gradual lifetime process. Last year when life burst into flames. i had to face some personal demons of my own. i had to take the responsibility for a lot of those flames. I am stronger now. i am, hopefully, more mature about somethings. i still refuse to "grow up" or put away rose covered glasses, but that is a choice i make with eyes wide open. This SVO is kinda like a Lentenish fast. In my teens and very early twenties i was nearly a vegetarian. if Ed wasn't around, i didn't cook or eat meat. i didn't even know how to cook red meat, other than hamburger, when we got married.  I am trying to find Melissa again.  Part of me in the last 2 decade got lost. i guess this is my half brained way of driving a Delorian to look for her.  I can't really do that this way, i know, but still...

Anyway, there to the summer! bring on the zucchini! Go Cubs!

Math Problems

I have shattered at least twice in the last year.
I am still broken.
"Decide how you want to live. Then just do it. Make it happen"
Life is stalled out, but I am beginning to see this might be possible.
Maybe, someday. 

The problem is math.
Math is always a problem for me anyway.
So I want X and V.   Ed wants X and C.
Now with some creative art work we could make C into a V.
Or the other way around....or
We could compromise for G.
Point is, algebra stinks.
We want, and have, our own vision of the next 40 odd years.
But I don't think...other than each other in it, that they look the same.
What kind of math do I need here?

I can't breathe if I stay broken.
I can't fully function without you

The thing is Life, or our Choices, either way
Didn't give us a firm starting ground.
I want, no I need, the chance to see if we can make it
Alone together
We need, someday, somehow, the chance to see if we can do this
Without distractions....other than critters
We didn't get that. 

Maybe if we heal and become strong again.
Figure who we are inside
Strengthen our faith and our walk with our Lord
Stop fighting depression and vicious cycles of bad emotional habits.
Relearn each other as well as ourselves,
Then…
We can also learn to better math or just creatively make things work out right.

Hope

As I sit here among the echoes of an empty house with Maggie Cat, I remember the newness of our home.  The plush green forest of carpet that felt so good on bare feet. That perfect green corduroy couch. So wide and deep, it was proportioned just right for stealing naps together. Ah the mistakes, too. Not putting “front” steps at the back door, comes to mind right off. Young children, a younger dog, new carpet and southern red clay do NOT mix! I remember long grocery lists after pouring over named cookbooks that were scattered everywhere. The sharing of the kitchen and family dinners that followed.  The sheer newness of this place.  The Sorrow just before we moved in. The empty hole I felt in here without her stubby wiggly butt.  And I wasn't the only one, I remember, trips to the store where you tried to buy 2 of things in the meat dept for them. Only it wasn’t a “them” anymore, just our Ginger Baby.  There is so much echoing through here.

Oh heavens, my mind is so much wiser now as I look around this empty shell with its damaged, rotting walls. It started in the kids’ bathroom. Water. Young and naive about what to do about it; about what real damage it could cause.  Other maintenances slipped through our fingers. Some knowledge is only learned firsthand and generally after a mistake or two but other things slipped because of finances.  We know better about such things now. I want a 2^nd chance, someday. I want to learn more. What to do, what not to do, when to do this thing or that thing. This home is damaged and probably far beyond repair; but some tiny part of me wishes I could strip it down.  Rebuild walls, fix guttering, repair bad plumbing, and better more stable this or that.  Why when it is such a piece of crap? Well it’s our piece of crap. It’s our sweat, tears, our echoes in the halls. This nick here is a memory.  There are stories behind dings and dents. This place sheltered us from life’s storms. It saw ugly fights, breathless laughter; our children were largely raised here.  Then again, in some respects, so was I. Critters and friends of all kinds have been loved on here. Doors slammed, windows broke, and all manner of yelling matches.  Peace, kindness and silliness of the highest order also ran riot through here. This is the place where I slowly learned to feel at home for the first time since we moved to TN. 

Memories are in your soul. Pictures can help unlock some that you've tucked away. So this is what I’ll have to hold on to, pictures and memories. I am in a different phase of life, a new chapter of growth. So I’m alright letting go because eventually we will settle back down. We will create a new home with new memories yet to be discovered. A place to apply all these lessons learned. A place to discover there is so much more to learn! A place to dream about, plot, and plan.

Hope

This time is just a bridge. The time in between. This is when Daddy prunes me off and trims me back, so I can be ready to grow beautifully again. This upcoming time of uncertainty is alright. I have to learn that change is a good thing. I may deal with change better than the boys in our home but not by much! I need to embrace this time like sky diving. My chute is well packed. I’ll land safely, no doubt. So the real choice is do I scream and kick all the way down or enjoy the view?  Enjoy the beauty around me and the adrenaline rush of the ride or panic and be swallowed in fear? 

Hope

I know I don’t have the strength to handle any of this.  And that’s the good part, I don’t have to! As I sit in the empty shell, an afternoon thunder shower is passing by.  I am sitting here comforting Maggie Cat because she doesn’t like the strong wind.  She hasn’t got anything to go hide under anymore. I don’t have to hide anymore either. This insane fear of letting go and not being strong enough is gone. I more fully understand that I don’t have to panic about when, or where, or how this will all work out.  I don’t have to have things “fixed”. I simply do not have to be strong enough. He is my strength. I have Faith which is why I can Hope. Hope for our new home, our future & our dreams. And because of that Faith, I can more fully lean in. I have read so many times and places in the Bible where He is my rock. I’ve rested in Daddy but until now I did not really learn how to let Him be my full strength. This is where I am now in the throes of this learning bridge. Daddy loves me enough to teach me this valuable lesson in life so I will be able to grow more beautifully inside. Some time, somewhere we will be where we are meant to be inside our souls and accordingly also in the physical. We will be replanted where we can settle our roots and our things.

Hope

It’s our safety harness to hold on to.  This time on the bridge, it’s okay. It deserves photos taken, memories made, laughter and tears shed, adventures had and yes, maybe even a door slammed or two; because after all pruning will hurt, but we will be much better for it. 

nesters

as a woman, 

i am by nature a nurturer and a nest builder.  

the games are changing.  

i am losing my nest, i am most likely losing my cat and my dog has past on. no this isn't a country song and i wont be talking about a truck next. 

 my point is when the reason for your being or the things that shape your identity are gone,  ....

 how to you define yourself? 

this is where i think i need help. i wonder what makes "home" home?

 how can i not be homeless in my "homeless" state?  surely in my up coming limbo there is a way to "play home" .

  I feel like i am going to lost.  suggestions that might help, please.

 









 

  

unclarity

Disclaimer: I haven’t blogged in a long time because my mood hasn’t been sunshiny enough for public display. i think it’s time I vented how I feel and try not be angry, bitter, or depressive.  There are some positive in everything thing if one chooses to look for it, even when the answers aren’t yet clear. I am sad but that’s ok under the circumstances since I am not letting the sadness swallow me anymore. It’s kinda like fighting the Nothing daily, but knowing in the back of your mind, in the end the good guys always win.

When is it too late?  If you have true Faith then it is never too late, but sometimes I wonder.    Pushed to what looks like the edge…pushed within sight of the edge…push over the edge to find a foothold so I can climb back up... push and dangling from that tree that grows that the edge of my cliff.  I am tired; I am emotionally broken, and fully heartbroken.  Most days I flop between crying and numbness. Most days I just don’t care anymore and I feel like it’s too late.  I have been praying, but not for answers.  I am so beyond that now. I pray for strength and that quiet “I don’t know what to pray anymore Lord, but you know do” prayers. Daddy can always unravel the knots we make or use it for good. I do know several things.  I can’t breathe at the thought of living without my baby cat. I panic, lose my head for a minute, at the thought of books boxed up and unreachable.  If I cook now for ed & his dad, I have to run to our house to get utensils, pans, and ingredients.  They will be boxed away.  There is no room in the frig or kitchen for food that is mine or meg’s now.  Where is that going to go?  Others in are allowed stuff and hobbies, mine will have to be packed away. Where will be my outlet for my soul? Where will be the little things that make home home to me, to us, to our family? Meg will have no place to come home to anymore; Isaac either if he ever comes home again. There are no certainties in life but I feel certain this living situation will permanent for years to come. And if that is the case one must look deep in the future.  Would you want to bring grandchildren or friends to this situation the way it is now? There is so much wasted space in the house but it’s not our house to change.  Bedrooms can’t be changed around (and shouldn’t because it’s not our house) but just imagine a married couple with 2 decades of history and things in a child’s bedroom while bruce has the master.

 The old saying goes, you don’t know what ya got got until it’s gone.  Well I’m not gone but the foot/leg is out the door, so maybe that has been the catalyst in re-appreciating what we have and fixing trouble spots.  Now ed is going to stick up for me and figure out how to make things work…but can it, can it really? Step back a quarter of a century.  An idealistic rash young boy falls in love with silly impulsive young girl.  Promises and pie-in-the-sky dreams are laid down…and of course, as is the tradition…with no maturity or forethought involved. Maturity and forethought come from age, life, experience, and common sense; things that most people in their late teen and early 20’s don’t yet possess. So why can’t promises and dreams be rearranged to fit life as it is now?  For some the world is black & white and changed promises are grey.  They don’t fit.  What will it cost them in the long run? Are they willing to pay it?  I have been paying emotionally, we both have.  I am who I am.  I have changed a lot in some ways from that young silly girl.  In other ways I am still her, deep down.  The same goes for that young rash boy.  Where does that leave us? Sitting at the fork in the road pretending it’s still a wandering path? What is the answer, Heavens I don’t know! The whole situation needs deep revision and honest pruning.  It will hurt badly.  We have always said, ‘we can make it though anything’ and life have proven that so far.  This too will be forged though and we will come out on the other side, but how and what scars have to be endured nobody but Daddy knows.  

In the meantime…count blessings…

We still have love.  We still have Faith, in our Daddy and each other. We have goals for “someday” that won’t be shaken. We haven’t lost family ties in this.  We haven’t really lost our health in this endeavor so far. We haven’t lost our sense of humor (completely).  We are learning how to grow from this into better spouses and people.  We are re-finding our friendship and sense of play. We appreciate alone time and dating on a whole new level.  Memories are sweeter because some days it is what you cling to. And we have learned that no matter how hard, living apart is just an inning not the end score of the game.  Maybe someday this will just be the fodder for those uphill in the snow both ways stories we will tell future generations just to see their eyes roll! 

Can Thine Heart Endure?

"We know not what we should pray for as we ought" (Rom. 8:26).

 

Much that perplexes us in our Christian experience is but the answer to our prayers. We pray for patience, and our Father sends those who tax us to the utmost; for "tribulation worketh patience."

 

We pray for submission, and God sends sufferings; for "we learn obedience by the things we suffer."

 

We pray for unselfishness, and God gives us opportunities to sacrifice ourselves by thinking on the things of others, and by laying down our lives for the brethren.

 

We pray for strength and humility, and some messenger of Satan torments us until we lie in the dust crying for its removal.

 

We pray, "Lord, increase our faith," and money takes wings; or the children are alarmingly ill; or a servant comes who is careless, extravagant, untidy or slow, or some hitherto unknown trial calls for an increase of faith along a line where we have not needed to exercise much faith before.

 

We pray for the Lamb-life, and are given a portion of lowly service, or we are injured and must seek no redress; for "he was led as a lamb to the slaughter and… opened not his mouth."

 

We pray for gentleness, and there comes a perfect storm of temptation to harshness and irritability. We pray for quietness, and every nerve is strung to the utmost tension, so that looking to Him we may learn that when He giveth quietness, no one can make trouble.

 

We pray for love, and God sends peculiar suffering and puts us with apparently unlovely people, and lets them say things which rasp the nerves and lacerate the heart; for love suffereth long and is kind, love is not impolite, love is not provoked. LOVE BEARETH ALL THINGS, believeth, hopeth and endureth, love never faileth. We pray for likeness to Jesus, and the answer is, "I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." "Can thine heart endure, or can thine hands be strong?" "Are ye able?"

 

The way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance, every trial, straight from the hand of a loving Father; and to live up in the heavenly places, above the clouds, in the very presence of the Throne, and to look down from the Glory upon our environment as lovingly and divinely appointed.  --Selected

the 5 people here on earth

Patsy Clairmont said "You are the sum of the 5 people you hang around the most." I heard that Saturday morning at WOF and it has really punched through my skull.  Christine Caine, Amy Grant, Marilyn Meberg and others all said wonderful things, meaningful things, wise words, but i am still digesting Patsy's words.  If you take this thought about the 5 people, then there are ripple effects everywhere. Knowing who i am around all the time, i wonder if...I talked about this to a rather wise dear friend.  She thinks that if Patsy is right that is why i am sad and depressed a lot.  So if two people, who are dealing with heavy weighty life issues, are around each other every day, are they feeding each other's sadness instead of lifting one another out of it? Is there a way to stop the cycle and start new ripples?  Like the parables we are flipping around in Sunday school class, if you flip this around whom am i effecting?  Does my sadness rub off on the other people that hold me dear and choose to be around me?  Is this why someone would choose not to be around me, like a bad aura if you will?

 (and if mr eddie is reading this, and if mr eddie even suggests that mrs eddie remove herself from his presence for her own good one more time ...i'll...i'll..., well i don't know what i'll do, but it'll be something... that ISN'T a solution, anyway hun. it is at best a tiny band-aid on a sore & starting a open wound elsewhere)

Some people we just can't help but spend time with. (and i DON'T mean your better half) How we let them inside and what we allow them to do are two different things.  We don't have to let them hurt us inside. That sounds nice but it doesn't really work as easily in the real world as it does to type it in cyberspace. "How we stop the pain and prevent it from hurting us?” is the real question. How do you build up a shield that is in place to prevent flaming arrows but still removable so that we don't become unreachable to others?  Pop's can be sweet and generous but normally it's on his terms only.  His circumstance has understandably allowed him to choose bitterness. There has to be a way to repel this fog of bitterness that seeps and creeps into every part of our lives.   

Ok people i don't have the answer. i was kind of asking if anyone else had a clue.

time is short

77 days and 7 hours until New Years Day!  

did you just roll your eyes at the screen?

okay so what can i get done or change in 77 days and 7 hours to make 2013 start blissfully?
Change is good.  i hate change, but not as much as a few fellows in my life.  Some changes are downright scary, but around here things crept off course.  So let's put it right.  Now what can get done in less than 3 months to impact the next 12 or hopefully more?  I found this in an article about questions women should ask themselves.  It really fit where my head was wandering.

"How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?

I believe this question was originally posed by Lao Tzu, who also wrote, "To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something." Face it: You'd be better off without some of your relationships, many of your possessions, and most of your thoughts. Chuck your chic-chick junk, chic chick. Enlightenment awaits. “

I have read that it takes 21 days to break a habit or form a new one.  so i have time to do this.  Procrastinate over this.  i even have time to screw it up and restart this!! Hot Damn!

Okay so where to start.  I.  that's the only place.  I can't change the past; past mistakes, past habits, other people, or even other people's belief in me.  I can only change me and what i am doing.  Well heaven's so far all i am doing is thinking and typing.  I should make a list. 

• thing 1
• thing 2
• this will hurt

ok so those aren't the actual agenda items, but it's good to get start somewhere.  First thing i want to do is a fast.  Clear my heart and do deep soul searching.  From there some more deep cleaning and donating things from my closet. I wanted this to be a very special month.  I woke up so happy October 1st.  This month meant a lot to me. It hasn't been what i thought it would be so far, but it is only half over.  There is still time to change my wonderful October with everything else!  

bedrock & life

Rock, Boulder, Stone.

Immovable object.  Something you can lean on.  Stand on, climb on, moss grows on.  Shelters you. Protects you.  

i am so flat these days.  my small world has changed around me lately.  More likely it has been changing all along but i just didn't notice.  Not so sure where i fit in it anymore. Luckily life has given me a solid bedrock foundation, but still...my roles have changed, the hats i wear mean different things. I don't know where i am suppose to be or what i am supposed to be.  i need to make a list...
Missy Marie

• still loves to laugh, play and prank
• yard goods, embroidery floss, and patterns still excite me
• books are still a passion
• very loyal to those i care about
• my taste in clothes are still leaning to towards prices i can't afford
• still rather watch Disney than horror
• still gentle and emotionally bruise too easily

but this doesn't help...i have questions that i don't know where to find answers to.

• what is my place now?
• what role to i play in this family/marriage/friendship?
• how do i fit in his life now?  in their life?  in my own self?
• if i am not sure i can be a good friend to even myself lately how do i change that to be a friend to those i love?
• how can i rekindle a bonfire when i've been told it's nearly coals?
• how do you live with past regrets and time you can't get back?

Grieving has brought out more than just sadness.  It reminds me more and more how much time i lost.  Time i can't get back.  regrets and failings.  This sadness will pass i know.  this is just a funk but it is shedding light on dark places.  i can't ignore how flat i feel, how lost i feel lately.  i wish i knew....is this the year of my midlife meltdown and everyone goes though this?  If the answer is yes, then someone out there better give me some coping skills before i ruin what is left of my life.  

too tired to type

tired. but . i. can't. quit.  sigh.  bed, with a certain leg way elevated.  have to plan this adventure better...have to keep calling it an adventure.  An adventure to a cozy house with all the trapping of happiness. 

choice

It all comes down to choice doesn't.  I either choose to or i choose not to, & ignoring it counts as well.  Sometimes i think i never really learn a lesson; hardheaded i guess.  Don't bottle shit up and put a cork on it! Gee-Whiz i've been here.  But it's what i do, i am a turtle.  ( the good news i know i win the race!!) I called someone the other day just to say hello and to hear her voice.  I needed to.  I missed them. It's been over 6 months since the last "hi how are you?"  From either one of us. Today i was nearby by and came with in a mile of stopped for a hug. KLove was on the radio talking about the stuff we go through & how God sees us through it all; how that in the end we are so much better for the journey.  It hit me like air escaping a balloon.  I can't say that.  I am through it, i think.  I am in a better place, but i am still bitter how i got here. If i could go back, sadly, i know i probably would.  I have never really gotten over the anger of being laid off.  For lots of reasons, i would have never left unless the economy hadn't crashed.  I was in the wrong department, but it is what i went back to school for. (paid a student loan for.)  I went there chasing a ghost, and while i realize i  would never find her, i was  happy. I was content.  I had friends.  I thought i was safe.  I saw myself (eventually maybe a different department) there in 20 years.  I had benefits.  I was real good at my job and was for the first time, part of a team. I was dependable and responsible.  I complained about some stuff, but honestly we all did, it's high stress and drama at a hospital.  Granted my health and pay are better now...but i just still haven't let go of the why-me aspect.  Part of me feels like i lost a family, maybe i just never let myself grieve that and say goodbye to it. I guess Kindergarten is wonderful and we would all love to go back some days but we can't, can we. I wonder if i am hindering my own growth and fostering my future melt down if i can't let 2010 go. The melt down is coming anyway but it would be nice to grow a bit from all this.  I do believe that while not all things are for a specific/divine reason, or even happened on purpose, if we allow it, good can come from it.  the trick is to stop and look for the good and work with ebb and flow of life instead of fighting it.  I think i have been so bitter & sore on this job subject that deep down below the surface, i haven't really looked at the good and saw if for was it can be.  I need to choose.  Ignoring this is choosing to embrace bitterness.  Letting go of something you loved is never easy. Kinda of like having a bad boyfriend, he may not be the best choice, but you still love him. Time to let myself stretch and grow.  I need to choose to let the past go away like echos down the hall.  (Kinda like we used to ignore that ghost on 3rds that messed with the elevators. )